My roommate, who is also my closest friend, is a complete slob. I love him dearly, don’t get me wrong, but I just found pizza crusts wedged between the cushions of our couch. When I bring up his messes, he shrugs it off or gets upset. How do I get him to clean up after himself?

JR: These facts lead me to a different conclusion. Your roommate isn’t a slob, they are a thoughtful, caring roommate, who loves pizza and hid some leftovers to surprise you. I think you’re the one that owes your roommate both an apology and a thank you.

JW: Get a “slob security deposit” from him. Convert that dollar amount into a fridge full of “cold ones.” Every time he does something slobbish, take out a cold one and crack it without him. He’ll learn very soon to alter his ways.

JT: Get real and tell them they can’t eat anywhere but in the kitchen. Warning: This could cause an even bigger battle, so get ready for the second phase – passive aggressive Post-it notes.

Both of my kids have a soccer game at the same time. How do I decide which one to go to?

JR: I swear soccer was imported from Europe to ruin American parenthood by overwhelming parents with activities. How have we managed to be constantly running our children to soccer tournaments for 30 years, but still suck at soccer?

JW: Whichever one is older. Little kid soccer is the worst.

JT: Talk about a winning situation! Tell them you don’t want to pick favorites and don’t go to either. Chest bump.

I am a cat owner, and I have recently started seeing someone who is allergic to cats. How do I go about this situation?

JR: You just recently started seeing this person and are already concerned about your cat and their allergies? I would keep the cat and your concerns to yourself before you’re officially a Stage Five Clinger.

JW: Cats only exist to secretly upload damaging information on humans to their mothership, which hovers on the dark side of the moon. This is all additionally knowing that if any cat weighed 40 pounds more, they would kill us all. Ditch the furry alien.

JT: Would you ever part ways with your feline friend? How serious are they about you? Are they truly that allergic? Wait it out, and then discuss when it gets more serious.

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