Halloween night in South Dakota is almost always freezing. How can I get my kids to keep warm while still wearing their costumes?
JR: I presumed when we made the collective decision to dress our children up in costumes and send them around the neighborhood to ask for candy, we also decided not to worry about our kids for one night. Did I misunderstand?
JW: Simple. Have two of your kids be Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman from Weekend at Bernie’s. Carrying around a heavy, fake dead guy should bring their core temp up pretty reliably. Alternatively, the same costume in a more timely packaging, you could have them be the two Secret Service agents carrying a semi-conscious Hillary Clinton into
that van.
JT: In this scenario, you have to play the long game. It might actually be too late this year, so start on next year. First, identify some characters that would be appealing to children who have “huskier” frames – Santa, Kung Fu Panda, Mario Batali, etc. Slowly begin integrating these characters into your children’s consciousness. Drop fun facts about them into everyday conversation. In the case of Kung Fu Panda, make them excited about the incredible array of uses for bamboo. By next Halloween, they will be ready for you to build a costume over a snowsuit so they can accurately portray their favorite celebrity.
I don’t want to be the house that hands out veggies for Halloween, but I want my trick or treaters to get healthy snacks. What are some fun alternatives to candy and pop?
JR: You are almost as bad as the obnoxious person who puts a note on their door explaining why they don’t celebrate Halloween. Even Michelle Obama hands out candy on Halloween (I assume). Relax.
JW: If they wanted a salad, they would have stayed home and had a sensible meal instead. They want candy! Don’t do this; don’t volunteer to get your house egged. No one wants a stalk of celery on Halloween.
JT: Since the Mommy Mafia would crucify you for peanut butter crackers, my best solution is small bags of pretzels. This will be more expensive than just being cool and handing out sweets, but that’s exactly how King Candy wants it.
I consider myself to be “too old” for Halloween, but my significant other is really pushing me to get involved (and get a costume). I don’t want to embarrass myself. What should I do?
JR: Some people say I’m too old to live in my parents’ basement. Those same idiots are wasting away their lives working the 8 to 5 to pay a mortgage. So buy yourself a Pokemon costume and wear it with your chin up.
JW: Get a costume. You’re never “too old” for Halloween, you’re just “too old” to trick or treat. But there is a way around that, too. Just borrow someone’s kid and take them trick or treating with you. Disclaimer: Ask their parents before snatching the child. I can attest that it is a step you shouldn’t skip.
JT: It sounds like you take yourself a bit too seriously. Yes, be sure that the place you’re going is a costume event, but then allow yourself to have fun with it. There are plenty of costumes that remain squarely in the conservative spectrum. You’re not going to win any costume contests for wearing a lab coat and saying you’re a scientist, or wearing a suit and sunglasses and saying you’re in the Secret Service, but at least it’s something.
